Performed live at Arts & Culture Club August 2018
Hi I’m Jaclyn, I mean Jax. My parents named me Jaclyn (spelled J-A-C-L-Y-N) after Jaclyn Smith of Charlie’s Angels and KMART fame but they always called me Jax. Jaclyn is the confident one and Jax is insecure to her core. But, they’re both me.
I feel like this is a good time to let you all know my natal chart in case anyone was wondering. My sun is in Gemini, my moon is in Pisces and my rising is Leo. My Sun is in Gemini, meaning I’m (these are Co-Star’s words not mine) “fundamentally dynamic, quick-witted, eclectic, and curious.On a social level, this may come off as gossipy or flaky.”
The moon rules your emotions, moods, and feelings. My Moon is in Pisces, meaning my emotional self is empathetic, dreamy, sensitive, and gentle.
Your ascendant is the “mask” you present to people. My Ascendant is in Leo, meaning I come across as bright, good-natured, and magnetic. My energy makes you seem either like a know-it-all or the life of the party—but always the center of attention.
So basically being a Gemini — the sign of The Twins– I have a split personality, and am always changing. But because of my Pisces Moon and my Leo Rising I have a double split personality. Which I’m not even sure makes sense in like a grammar-way but it definitely doesn’t make sense to me as a human being, trying to live it.
The dichotomy between these signs is the basis of all my issues as an adult. I would very much like to blame the Catholic Church for my identity crisis but I think this one is all on the Stars.
I feel like Jax is more of a Pisces the inner me and Jaclyn is the Leo the outer me. To put it another way Pisces is Rihanna, all emotions and teary eyed at the piano opening of Thunder Road. The Jaclyn Leo side is more confident, almost too confident and wouldn’t cry in front of anyone, think Whitney or Madonna.
I was “Jaclyn” to most of the world up until I was about to graduate college and I gained over 50lbs in under a year. I was put on a medicine to help me sleep because I was having a lot of trouble sleeping at the time and one of the side effects was weight gain. At first I didn’t notice too much but after about 15 lbs and some tight jeans I went back to my third parent, the internet, and googled and the first thing that came up when I typed in the medication was “Weight Gain”.
I went straight to the doctor and asked her to take me off right away because I was uncomfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life and she basically refused because it was doing its job. I backed down because I’ve always had an issue with authority figures, something I can blame on the Catholic Church.
I quickly went from a size 2 petite young lady to a size 12. Now, to be fair, a size 12 is pretty average; I’m just saying that I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t feel like myself, who I identified with a certain size.
So when I gained “The Weight” as I like to call it because I’m a dramatic Gemini I felt lost. I was about to graduate college with a pretty weird useless degree and I was offered a job in Tennessee working on a congressional campaign. I decided to change my Facebook name from Jaclyn to Jax so future jobs wouldn’t be able to find my Facebook. This meant that a lot of my new post college friends were introduced to me as Jaclyn because that’s how I introduced myself but they called me Jax because that’s how they saw my name on a regular basis, in print.
I rebranded myself unknowingly and I started to morph into Jax. Jax is a lot quieter than Jaclyn, keeping her thoughts to herself. Where Jaclyn would speak up in groups of people Jax stays silent, letting her mind run. Jaclyn just makes more noise in general.
When you gain a considerable amount of weight in a short amount of time you start to notice things you’ve never noticed before, like how uncomfortable the summer is. I remember that summer in Tennessee I experienced what people refer to as “chub rub” for the first time. The already sensitive skin where my thighs touched for the first time began to get raw and painful when I walked outside in the Summer when wearing dresses. I honestly thought it was some kind of allergy to Tennessee but when I asked my friends they just looked at me like I was bananas, haven’t I ever had chub rub before? They told me to get bike shorts or to apply an expensive LUSH product called “silky underwear” to my inner thighs to help combat it. I just saw it as one more thing that was wrong with me.
I suddenly got extremely sensitive, everything from a look I interpreted as snotty to a critical word made me dig deeper into myself. Jaclyn never cared what anyone thought of her, she wore floral dresses to high school and when she wore one brown shoe and one black on accident she just laughed and Made It Fashion. Jax would be genuinely embarrassed to wear anything that brought attention to her body.
Today Jaclyn only comes out after a few glasses of wine. That’s when I get chatty and feel the need to let the world know what I’m thinking. I guess it’s true that your rising sign comes out when you’re drunk.
I suddenly enjoy debating people about things I care about and I speak my mind. I get all warm and fuzzy and do things I would never usually do, like apply to a storytelling show.
Everything makes me cry now, I can’t even think about Moana or basically anything reported on the news without welling up. I’m starting to see the merging of Jax and Jaclyn though, in little ways. I don’t think the journey back to Jaclyn means losing Jax all together, because I’ll always be both. I’ve carried them both for so long. How I feel on the inside and the person I project on the outside are starting to come together. I’m starting to feel more sure of who I am, the tiniest bit every day.
Jax has taught me to be more compassionate but I need to find the balance between Jax and Jaclyn so I don’t spend every waking moment crying over other people’s problems and my own. I don’t know exactly who I’ll be in the future but I hope it’s a healthy balance of Jaclyn and Jax. Isn’t that what every Gemini is looking for? The balancing of the Twins?
You can call me Jax-lyn.
JK please don’t call me that.
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